Ambrose Bierce

A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
Admiration. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
Being is desirable because it is identical with Beauty, and Beauty is loved because it is Being. We ourselves possess Beauty when we are true to our own being; ugliness is in going over to another order; knowing ourselves, we are beautiful; in self-ignorance, we are ugly.
Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
I think that a young state, like a young virgin, should modestly stay at home, and wait the application of suitors for an alliance with her; and not run about offering her amity to all the world; and hazarding their refusal. Our virgin is a jolly one; and tho at present not very rich, will in time be a great fortune, and where she has a favorable predisposition, it seems to me well worth cultivating.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Ocean: A body of water occupying 2/3 of a world made for man...who has no gills.
Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom ? and of whom only ? it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.
The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.
We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
Wedding: a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day.